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Drunk Sermon

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
 After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The monsignor
 replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put
 a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous,
 I take a sip."
 So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice.  At the beginning
 of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk
 up a storm.  Upon return to his office after mass he found the
 following note on his door:
 Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
 There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 There are 12 disciples, not 10.
 Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
 Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
 We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
 The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
 and Spook.
 David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
 When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he
 was stoned off his ass.
 We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
 When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
 eat it, for it is my body", he did not say,"Eat me."
 The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."
 The recommended grace before a meal is not:  "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks
 for the grub, yeah God."
 Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St Peter's, not a
 peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.