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George:
I have received your question and will try to respond to it later tonight. It would be helpful for me to know a little more about what happens every 2-3 weeks prior to your relapses. You sound motivated, like
you want recovery, but something keeps going wrong. Can you tell
me more?
You are far from hopeless and are already doing many of the right things. Quitting cocaine is tough, I know, it was my drug of choice. But recovery can be yours.
John Stiemke
Recovery Lane
Hi John,
Thanks for writing back!
During the week I have no cravings, But On Friday's they become so strong. I battle with the insane thoughts every Friday. I go to an AA meeting on Friday nights and then go to a diner with a couple of friends after the meeting. On the way home from the diner I wind up purchasing coke. This is my pattern of drug use now.
It's now Monday morning and I have so much guilt that I used Friday night. I see a counselor on Wed. but how do I tell her I relapsed again? I am so disgusted. How can I get through a Friday
night without getting high?
George
George:
The problem you face is the same one faced by many cocaine addicts. Cravings and urges and what to do about them. The program does not teach you how to deal with cravings or urges to use, it simply tells
you not to because you are powerless. It is easy to see it is making your life unmanageable. Denial may be playing a small role here, but I kind of doubt it. You really are doing a lot of things right. Someone in
denial would not be going to meetings 4 or more times a week and going out for dinner with recovering friends. The real issue is cravings.
Cravings and urges are difficult but manageable if you use the right tools. Simply repeating step one over and over again does not work. You also say that you pray for strength to quit. God has already given you this or you would be using more often and not staying clean at all. Perhaps what you need to be praying for is wisdom! Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful - but it can be outsmarted. What you need is a smarter and an effective management strategy to deal with cravings and urges.
Many different things can trigger cravings or urges to use. Once you have been triggered, preoccupation and obsession begin. This is where you experience euphoric recall and magical thinking about using. If
these thoughts are entertained too long then compulsion sets in. This is where you feel you have no choice, except to use again. Then comes relapse. This process can occur over a period of days or may only last a few minutes; and you are off to the races. One thing I have learned, is the sooner you intervene in this process the more likely you are to avoid relapse.
One thing you may want to look at is; what are the things that are triggering you? Is it conflict or anger, perhaps having money in your pocket, maybe depression - I don't know, but I am sure you can figure it
out if you think about it or talk about it with your sponsor or other recovering friends. See if you can eliminate some of the triggers. I know I could not carry more than a few dollars on me early in recovery.
I had to get rid of my cash card. Money was a huge trigger for me. Sex was another big trigger for me. Fortunately, living in an all male halfway house helped me with that.
Next you could use some management strategies for preoccupation and obsession. When I would get this way I couldn't think straight. I carried a list of phone numbers of people in the program I could call. If I had to remember them while the obsession was going on, I know I could not have done it. You may want to carry a consequence list with you, also. When you start to drift into euphoric recall or magical thinking, this list can help you remember the bad times rather than the good times.
Another trick I have found to be helpful is this. Ask someone you really care about (wife, kid, parent, etc.) or someone that cares about you (boss, friend, etc.) to write you a letter. Tell them the purpose of
this letter is to convince you not to use. Tell them to seal it in an envelope and then, carry it with you. Don't read it ahead of time as it will be less effective. When you are really struggling, open the letter and read it. There is something very powerful about reading a letter from your kid, written in crayon, saying, "Dear Dad, please don't use. I love you." There is something very powerful about reading a letter that
says, "Dear George, You use again and I am filing for divorce." or "Dear George, You use and you're fired." You get the idea.
In other words, plan what you will do and how you will respond when the insanity starts. It's too late to plan after the insanity starts. Finally, I think it is important for every addict to also have a back-up plan.
What will you do if your other management strategies don't work. I generally recommend to my clients that they have a "safe place" to go to. This is a place where you are guaranteed not to use. Personally, I
would sit in the waiting room at the police station. No chance I would use there. You may want to go sit in the lobby of the local ER. Not to many people using there. You could find a church or an Alano club to
go to. You may just want to stand in the shower, Its really hard to snort or smoke cocaine in a shower.
Last thing, know that all cravings and urges do end, you just have to wait them out. In AA terms - "This to shall pass." It is up to you to determine if it will pass like a breeze in the night or if it will pass like a
kidney stone. If you plan well, use wisdom, and keep praying for what you need, my guess is it will get easier. It works if you work it.
